Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
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