I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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