I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
