and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
