Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Randomize
