Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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