what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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