I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
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