so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
