I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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