Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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