I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
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