It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize