"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
