So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
