had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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