I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
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