Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
