Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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