I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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