I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
