this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
