Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
