my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
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