I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
