I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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