Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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