Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
