naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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