Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
