You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Randomize
