i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
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