my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
