Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize
