I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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