Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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