apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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