you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
