yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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