I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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