I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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