i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
