you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He felt like a one man threesome
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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