Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
