Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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