Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
