dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
