I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
