nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
