My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
