are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
