...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Send help, water and tortillas.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
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