Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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