you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
