no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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