His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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