note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
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