She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Randomize
